A funny thing happened on day 18 of this blog thing. I was on a roll with this 31 Day blog thing. The ideas were flowing. I had even worked ahead, days 12-18 were prescheduled.
I went on a retreat that included a day of silence with God. I cannot tell you how welcome silence is during this season with a two year old and four year old. Spending a whole day with God out in nature or resting or reading was a dream.
But throughout the weekend of experiencing the beauty of God, I had thoughts similar to those of Isaiah when he said, “Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.”
Now, of course I didn’t have quite the experience that Isaiah did. But sometimes even small encounters with God are enough to make us come completely undone.
I got back home, back to real life, and my brain kind of froze up here.
I asked myself hard questions about this space. What am I doing here? Is this about me or God? Day 26’s post about self-aggrandizement came out of my wrestlings with these things.
I entered into my time with this topic because I had more questions than answers. I still have questions. But I am more comfortable with the tension I feel. I am grateful for it. Because I think for the rest of my life I want to be listening and waiting on the Lord for how to best follow him. Seasons will change.
In this season, the majority of my home is spent at home with the kids. Caring for the details of our lives (cooking/cleaning/cleaning again/feeding the kids again/re-cleaning what I just cleaned up five minutes ago…) takes up most of my time. In the off hours, I seek God. I try to find small ways I can be faithful to living out my portion of the Kingdom.
When the kids are off in school in a few years, things will change completely. When they move out of the house after high school, everything will shift again. When I grow old, if my body begins to fail me, and I require more help than I will be able to give, that will be a whole new process of living God’s kingdom.
So I’ve grown patient with not having the answers, with living moment to moment trying to practice living the presence of God. I try to carry His love to others in small, practical ways without worrying so much about having a “huge” impact. I live in the grace that I screw this thing up all of the time and will continue to do so. That grace reminds me of the patience of God who is slow to anger and rich in love.